Wow. So senior year is essentially over. We have like 14 school days left. My god, those are some scary words. Prom and graduation are right around the corner, just wow. It seems like forever ago that I was a freshman walking into the halls of my high school for the first time, yet at the same time, it feels like it could have been yesterday.
So I've finally decided where I'm going and what I want to be. I'm going to be a freshman at Franklin Pierce University in the fall, and I'm going to be a dual major of Psychology and Criminal Justice, and just to totally confuse everyone I'm minoring in Theater Education.
So 2009 hasn't really been a kind year to me, yet in the same instance it has. I've lost a total of 3-4 friends depending on how you look at it, but I've gained maybe a total of 8 friends who are amazing people. Its crazy. I've learned a lot about myself and honestly what more could I want from this?

Today I felt the oldest I have in a long time. Don't ask why, but I did. I realized that high school life is coming to an end, and that scares the crap out of me. I miss being a sophomore. Actually I don't; I miss how far away college was when I was a sophomore.

I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. I seem to change my mind every other day. It freaks me out to no end. Graduation in less than six months. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. High school ends in less than six months. How crazy is that? It seemed so far away at the beginning of the year.

I'm totally scared to leave all my friends, but I'm also really excited to meet new people and have new experiences. Does that sound selfish? I totally hope I'll stay in contact with the people who matter most to me, but I know a few will fall through the cracks. Who am I kidding? A few already have. I cant stand a few people who know some of my biggest secrets. Theyve changed alot and sometimes it just feels like I havent. Or vice versa. But I know they wont tell anyone my secrets, because I wouldnt tell anyone theres.

Goddamnit. I hope these six months go by slow.

"Rose. Roza. Open your eyes." I'd never heard his voice so strained, so frantic. "Don't go to sleep on me. Not yet."

I squinted up at him as he carried me out of the building, practically running toward the clinic. "Was he right?"

"Who?"

"Victor... he said it couldn't have worked. The necklace." I started to drift off, lost in the blackness of my mind, but Dimitri prompted me back into consciousness.

"What do you mean?"

"The spell. Victor said you had to want me... to care about me... for it to work." When he didn't say anything, I tried to grip his shirt, but my fingers were too weak. "Did you? Did you want me?"

His words came out thickly. "Yes, Roza, I did want you. I still do. I wish... we could be together."

"Then why did you lie to me?" We reached the clinic, and he managed to open the door while still holding me. As soon as he stepped inside, he began yelling for help. "Why did you lie?" I murmured again.

Still holding me in his arms, he looked down at me. I could hear voices and footsteps getting closer. "Because we can't be together."

"Because of the age thing, right?" I asked. "Because you're my mentor?"

His fingertip gently wiped away a tear that had escaped down my cheek. "That's part of it," he said. "But also... well, you and I will both be Lissa's guardians someday. I need to protect her at all costs. If a pack of Strigoi come, I need to throw my body between them and her."

"I know that. Of course that's what you have to do." The black sparkles were dancing in front of my eyes again. I was fading out.

"No. If I let myself love you, I won't throw myself in front of her. I'll throw myself in front of you."


Damn you Richelle Mead. Thats all I have to say on that matter.

I absolutely adore Shadow Kiss (which I managed to get early! YAY CLERICAL ERRORS!) except for the last 1/4. Who am I kidding I still loved it. Even if I cried like a child who dropped their ice cream in the sand. Like I said Damn you Richelle Mead. Damn you. You better band out VA4 pretty damn fast. Either that or I'll hunt you down. And beg.

Her day was ruined when she found out what her teacher was arrested for. He'd been arrested for sexual assault of his daughter. Her friend. She was devastated. The man was so nice. Why would her do something like that? The girl decided to move on to a lighter subject. Tomorrow was her first meeting as treasurer of the GSA. She was having a little "performance anxiety". She never had anxiety before going onstage, but she had it all the time in real life. She had two tryouts next week. Monday and Tuesday. She was so excited. She was singing 'Good Morning Baltimore' and 'I Dream A Dream'. She was nervous but not too bad. If she didnt get those specific parts she would move on and try try again. She was excited for Saturday. Her best friend was going with her. She was ecstatic to finally be able to go out with her mother. She was proud to be a size smaller than she was when the summer started. She was proud. She was finally starting to feel right in her skin. She was finally starting to feel good.

She decided to go MIA this weekend. Her and her mother were going on a shopping expedition. Girly. She knew. She felt bad about missing spectrum. But physically she felt worse. She had lost weight over the summer. Her doctor told her she'd lost about 10 lbs. She was tired. She was sick. She didnt want to get bronchitis again. Her nosering had healed over. It broke her heart. But not really. She'd just get it repierced. She started her first week of VHS and mostly zoned out. Thats pretty much it. Oh and she was going to a bunch of concerts.

She missed summer. The warm nights without the daunting task of homework. The late nights. The endless sleepovers. The feeling of control. Now she felt...controlled. The school messed everything up. She barely saw some of her best friends. And she took AP. History. She hated history. Especially US history. Big deal. America! Oooh! she lived there. She knew everything about it that she needed to. To pass the time she wrote stupid little poems. She hated them. She had to go do hw.

she wanted something else, something different, something more. passion and romance perhaps? or what about quiet conversations in candlelit rooms; or maybe it something as simple as not feeling so alone? She saw the girl today. twice. her heart went wild each time. she thought her feelings had passed but it wasnt so. she wished she wasnt in such a tight spot. she wished she could openly write those words and not worry if her friends saw them. she wished her friends would understand. she wished her family would understand and love her anyway. she wished she had someone to love. she wished she didnt have so many wishes. she stayed up every night till 11:11 to make wishes. she wished she didnt have to. she looked in the sky and wished on stars. she slaved everyday to make the grade, yet still failed. she was so nervous to be a sophomore. she was excited. she loved her friends. she liked the freshman. she even had crushes on a few. she felt like a child molester but still did. she had to go school shopping though. tomorrow was her friends birthday. she got her a good present. her friend wouldnt guess what it was. she missed summer. she missed the feeling of being infinite.

She had to do her stupid summer assignment. She had put it off but she was doing it now. It was about people long dead and about incidents long forgotten. She went over her best friends house yesterday. She felt so poor when she walked in their home. What was she talking about? She was poor. She was lowly. Her friends mother asked if she was going to college when she graduated. She replied that it was far away but yes she would. Her mother frowned on the college that the girl wanted to go to. There was a reason she wanted to go to an all girls college. She missed her friends. The ones who knew. She grew tired of the innocence of those who didnt know. She wished she could find someone she could confide in someone who would fall in love with her because she was what she was. Someone who would give her gumball machine rings. Someone who would give her butterfly kisses and play old nintendo games with her and bet kisses and lose just to be able to touch her. She wanted someone who bought disposable cameras and took thousands of pictures. who suprised her with picnics. someone who would slow dance at the mall with her. someone who would tell everyone how they felt about her. someone who told her beautiful things. someone who she would be able to just call and not have to say anything. someone to fall in love with.

The girl realized something. The most honest moment of her life was the first day she went to spectrum. She admitted her sexuality outloud. To herself. She finally realized who she truly was. And what she truly was. She finally felt like she belonged. She laughed with her friend online about the way she wrote in her livejournal and the way the girl was emo. She was frustrated with her used Ipod. She needed the software. She joked with her friend about smearing peanutbutter all over themselves and crying during masturbation. The girl thought it was a pretty rad conversation. She cried with laughter from her friends words :


XXXX:51:43 PM): she smeared the peanutbutter all over
XXXX:51:46 PM): like war paint
XXXX:(9:52:06 PM): in a sexy war reenactment porno
XXXX:(9:52:14 PM): then she cried
XXXX:(9:52:18 PM): in her last breathe
XXXX:(9:52:23 PM): ): "SHIT SHES ALLERGIC"


All in all the girl decided it was a good day.

She got a hole in her face. A nose piercing to be exact. She liked it but it hurt. No matter what she said it hurt. Like a bitch. It was shiny and she could see a glare. That kind of annoyed her. She still had the purple dot from the pen. She was tired and cold. Oh, and she cut off most of her hair. she liked it. She looked emo, but she wasnt. She was pretty bubbly. But bubbly and smelly dont mix so she went to take a shower.